Tonight is the first night of Passover, so like a good unemployed daughter I have returned to my parents house to partake in the festivities. As this is a Jewish holiday, that mainly involves eating (for those of you unfamiliar with how we celebrate.) To quote my father every year. They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat. And so the Jewish tradition goes.
During the course of the Passover Seder, we ask the four questions. Although, the more I think about it, we really only ask one question and call it the four questions. For a people who pride themselves on education, we should really learn to count. So the main question is: Why is this night different from all other nights? And the service goes on to explain Passover traditions like why we eat matzoh, and why we dip celery in salt water, and so on. But I’ve decided to take this broad question and answer it a different way.
Why is this night different from all other nights?
On this night, I will be eating delicious food in the comfort of my parents house. Where as normally I’m glued to my couch eating either a trader joe’s frozen rice bowl or sushi takeout. I think my couch is actually starting to get the imprint of my butt. I really need to find a job soon…
On this night, I am likely to show up to dinner wearing a prom dress. See in my haste to clean my ny apt and run to get the bus, I did not leave enough time to think about what clothing I needed to pack and only packed jeans. In my normal couch sitting life, jeans are more than appropriate (in fact I usually just wear sweats) but if I’m going to be seeing family friends, “slacks” as my mother calls them, would be much more appropriate. So I’m forced to go through my childhood closet and rummage through the clothes I’ve deemed too ugly to bring to my apartment and wear something from there. Which is likely to be a prom dress, bridesmaids gown, or some hideous remnant from the ’80’s. I can’t wait to see the faces of my parents friends tonight. No wonder she’s unemployed, look at her!
On this night, I get to explain to my family friends what a smart ambitious girl like me is doing unemployed. How is this possible? Surely your previous employer is an idiot! Tuy tuy (that’s me spitting on the ground). Now usually I would dread these conversations. Like the, How is a girl as beautiful as you not married and the You know, you’re not getting any younger, I’ve grown to hate these conversations, but not this year. This year, I am a year older, a year wiser, and desperate for an income. So I plan to “network” aka “whore myself out” to whoever has the best connections, most likely to result in You should call my friend’s cousin Shlomo, he’d love a smart cookie like you in the company. Normally I would smile and say yes, and never follow up. But not this year…. Be careful what you offer, this year I might just take you up on it!
So now I need to run to the gym and go help my mom cook. I wish everyone a Happy Passover and for those who have no idea what I’ve said or why it may or may not be funny, I’ll return to normal commentary tomorrow!
Outfit Update:
Now that I’m actually at my parents house, I have a much better idea how the rest of the evening will play out. So I go upstairs to my old room to find an appropriate outfit because I’m too stupid to pack a decent pair of pants. These are literally my options:
- My bat mitzvah dress
- My prom dress
- My high school graduation dress
- My college graduation dress
- A lilac pair of “retro cut” gap pants. (In case you were wondering “retro cut” is Gap for “ugly”)
- A long paisley purple skirt that looks like it’s straight out of the Adams family
- The LEI booty black pants I wore in college. No joke, the pair of pants I wore clubbing every weekend of my freshman year. The fact that I still have them is frankly amazing
So far my high school graduation dress is winning. No, I’m not joking
Now on to my sister’s childhood closet
- A camo mini. Very appropriate for passover dinner
- A strapless tube-like denim dress. Paris Hilton eat your heart out
- Her black booty pants from college.
- A purple snake skin print knee length skirt. What is it with us with ugly dark purple weird skirts.
That’s it. Those are my options. And the winner is…… My sister’s black booty pants!!! I’m going to Passover dinner wearing the pants my sister danced her butt off in the clubs in college. Making mom proud every step of the way.
Pairing the booty pants with a nice top and a pair of my mom’s heels, which are a size too big on me. So I’m walking like a truck driver and wearing booty pants. I can hear the whispers from across the room now. Is that girl wearing bell bottoms??? Shut up! They were in style then, maybe? Or we were too young to notice…
Wish me luck!
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