Time is funny in way.  It’s been over two years since I graduated from business school.  I took a job in consulting because I had no idea what i wanted to do but I figured exposure to a variety of businesses would help me find my path.  Well, I am no closer now to knowing what I want out of my career than I was two years ago.  Oops.  Maybe that’s the dirty little secret.  Maybe you never know, you just have to keep trying things until something sticks.

I was talking about new years resolutions with a friend and she was telling me that she doesn’t make them because they never stick.  Well I am the queen of rules and resolutions.  I make new years resolutions every sunday practically.  Cuz honestly if I was good at keeping them, they wouldn’t have to be a resolution, they would just happen.  But they don’t, and I’m old enough and wise enough to know they won’t, so fuck it, I’ll stick with my weekly resolution system.

In 2011 I resolve to:

1. Run a 5k.  I know this is what most people can do normally, but I am not most people.  I’m special and totally inept when it comes to running.
2. Drink less.  I realize when you are single that partaking in alcoholic beverages is how us commoners relieve stress and become social human beings.  But jesus, let’s try and still have a liver when we’re 40, shall we
3. Cook more.  I love to cook.  I haven’t in a year.  In fact, I used my oven for the first time last week and I’ve been living in this apt for 6 months.  Which brings us to #4…
4. Buy more groceries.  It’s hard to cook without them
5. Vacation early and often.  When I look back on my unemployed life, my only regret is not going on vacation.  Life is short, eat dessert first and explore the globe as often as possible
6. Buy a humidifier.  This one isn’t grand or anything but the winter air is so damn dry if this doesn’t get on some list I swear it’s never going to happen
7. Find something meaningful.  Trying to find a relationship with a nice jewish boy who is taller than me, of a reasonable age and somewhat intelligent in Boston is like trying to find meaning in a Pauly Shore movie. Although soon enough I’ll have gone on a date with every available jewish boy in Boston, at least then I’ll be able to cross the city off my list.  Can you do that?  Can you declare a city conquered and cross it off?  I feel like I’m getting dangerously close, so I’ll let you know.  Whoa, I just reread that and discovered this could be misinterpreted.  When I say conquered, I don’t mean in the roman sense I mean in the “have gone on 400 bad first dates and have declared no mas!” sense of the word

That’s it for now.  See you next Sunday when we start our list all over again.

Cheers! and welcome back blog, I’ve missed you…

My sister is living in Paris, yes the hoodlum, that sister.  So for the first vacation I’ve taken in over a year i have decided to spend the week in Paris with my sister.  See as spoiled as i am, Paris is not a new destination for me.  I studied abroad in Paris twice, once in college, and once in high school.  Now you might think that means that I actually know how to speak french, but you would be surprised. See my french is no better than it was 10 years ago, in fact I’d venture to say it’s way worse.

So anyway, I’m in Paris and I’m treating it like a staycation.  I sleep in, meet my sis for lunch and then go to a museum or walk around a certain area, meet her for dinner and then go to sleep and sleep for 12 hours.  This is my kind of vacation.

So yesterday I decided to spend the afternoon shopping around St. Germain. I bought a new dress at some boutique and wandered my way though countless clothing and shoe stores.  I even stumbled upon American Apparel, yes they have that now in Paris.  For the first time in my life i finally got it.  See in America I’ve never totally understood the store.  Frankly their ads make me feel like I’m looking at a pedafile’s collection from 1985.  But in Paris, it makes total sense.  I mean it’s a total possibility that a french woman could walk down the street wearing a lace bodysuit.  I mean I wouldn’t even think it’s weird, it could totally happen.

So that’s Paris for now, a demain…

This year I’ll work out more, drink less, take better care of myself, do laundry more often, clean my house, call my friends more, blah blah blah…. And then 10 days go by and you realize you haven’t done any of those things and then what? Fail, a total life fail.

Well, given new year’s seems like a pretty arbitrary time to go ahead and do a full life makeover, i feel like two weeks after new years is just as good.

So here are my reresolutions…  And in the spirit of practicality, I’m actually going to try to make them attainable this year…

1. Work out more – now, I know this is everyone’s new years resolution but here’s how i see it. I barely work out at all now, so any amount of physical activity is an improvement and would therefore meet my goal.  For those of you who haven’t seen my apt, i live in a 4 story walk up, so really my goal is to one day come home and not be out of breath by the time i get in the front door.  shoot for the stars, that’s what mom always said!
2. Go on more vacation – last year i only took 3 days vacation, this year that is all going to change.  So far France is almost booked, and bvi is in talks.  Life’s short, eat dessert first, and try and do it in as many countries as possible
3. Drink more v8 – thanks to my last year’s discovery that I really like v8 i went to costco and bought 48 cans of it that now sit on the window sill in the kitchen.  I would love to get that down to a level that actually fits in the fridge.  Again, shooting high
4. Try to find respectable people to date Go on more dates – Like wishing myself thinner, it seems unlikely that I will find a boyfriend from the warmth and comfort of my own bed, although that would be kinda awesome if that were possible, so going on more dates might increase the chances of finding someone to date on a more regular basis.
5. Shop more – that’s right, i said shop more not less.  See over the past few years I’ve bought almost nothing and the somethings i did buy tend to be cheap and ill-fitting.  Thanks to a reasonable paycheck and my sister’s new found employment at a fabulously work appropriate retail chain, my wardrobe can get the makeover it truly deserves, which brings me to my next reresolution
6. Try not to look like shit everyday – Boston is a small town and the frequency with which i seem to run into people keeps increasing.  Therefore if i looked nicer a tad more often, i would increase the possibility of not looking like shit when those unexpected run-ins occur and thereby increase my own self image and my perceived image from others, which might in turn land me more dates… my own little virtuous cycle, how cute

I think that should do for a start.  Not a total betty, but a vast improvement.

And now it’s time for the dreaded Sunday night consultant shuffle…. pack the bag, check in for the flight, get ready for another week…

As a result, I have spent the last two days in bed doing work, napping, watching hulu and generally complaining.  With all this time on my hands I realized that I had never properly closed 2009 and made my predictions and resolutions for 2010.  So here it goes.

The world has collectively come to the conclusion that 2009 was a bad year.  The recession was in full swing, people were losing their jobs daily, the world was a rather unpleasant place.  And let me tell you, I couldn’t disagree more.  2009 was a fantastic year, you just had to look at it right.

Being perpetually ahead of the curve, I lost my job in 2008, so by the time 2009 came around I was already collecting unemployment.  I started this year living in an adorable one bedroom apartment in New York, napping daily on a fabulous green couch, barely ever wearing pants, and blogging everyday.  A lifestyle I was unfortunately unable to convert into sustainable living.

Now don’t get me wrong it was not all fun and games.  I had no income, I lived in a $2400/month apartment and I likened my self worth to every failed job opportunity that came in front of me.  But in retrospect the only thing I regret was not going on vacation more.  I had all the time in the world and was so worried I’d never find a job (which is frankly ridiculous, hellooo? it’s me, i’m awesome, duh i’ll find a job) that I never allowed myself to take a break.

Then in May I started working again, and have been sprinting since.  I fell in love with consulting, started hating consulting, fell in love with it again and on.

I have learned more about myself in the last year than most do in a decade.  Here’s a brief list:

1. I love v8, not sure why i never knew that before

2. I kinda rock and therefore should just relax once in a while.  Life’s short, eat dessert first or at least stop driving yourself crazy

3. NY and Boston are both fabulous cities and I’m thrilled to have gotten the chance to live in both of them (although if someone could let me know which I prefer that would be awesome since at some point in the next few years I’d like to buy an apt and knowing what city you want to live in is always a good first step)

4. My friends and family also kind of rock.  They are supportive and funny and caring and a ton of fun.  I’d say I’m blessed to have them, but generally when I read that I tend to vomit in my mouth and expect a praise jesus speech to follow it, so let’s just leave it as “they rock”

5. Blogging is therapy.  As previously discussed, I don’t like to talk about my feelings, in fact nothing makes me go Mooommmmmmm more than when my mom tries to talk to me about my blog.  But somehow I’ve figured out an outlet that both keeps me sane and let’s other people know what’s going on in my life.  The person who invented blogging is a total genius.

6. If I could figure out a way to view 2009 as a good year, 2010 is going to be great.  Hopefully I’ll be smart enough this year to enjoy the ride and not just the view looking back

Happy 2010!

1. We did not go skiing.  Yes, that’s right.  we have flown 3000 miles carrying ski gear and decided we were too lazy to actually go skiing.  Now that’s dedication.

2. We made bloody mary’s

3. We watched Jersey Shore, keeping up with the kardashians, and the OC.

What a way to bring in the new year…

And now I have given everyone fake names for the blog.  In the true spirit of nevada, everyone gets a name with an i

Kelli, Spici, Luci, big peter, paul, the situation, and the two random people who just walked in but haven’t introduced themselves yet.

See for most of the day it was just kelli and I being  bums.  Now the entire house is full and kelli and I are still sitting on the couch and instead of going to join the party, we shut the door so we can hear seinfeld clearer.  awesome.  note to self: new year’s resolutions should include trying to be more social and friendly

[this is the part where i relay all the stories from last night, now that i went ahead and gave everyone fake names.  but really i'm too tired, so i'll just leave it to your imagination]

What happens when you take a consultant, a banker, a PE guy, and an entrepreneur stick them in a gorgeous cabin with no cell phone reception on a mountain near lake tahoe in a blizzard.

Do they…

a. Cherish the awe inspiring winter wonderland around them

b. Appreciate every second of their lack of connectivity and their bosses inability to find them

c. Sit on the couch each with a laptop in hand, not talking to each other and surfing the internet instead

d. All of the above

Go ahead, check it out, i’ll wait…

That’s right, a walk of shame kit.  Now this is hilarious for oh so many reasons

1. If you are my age and still doing the walk of shame, you have problems.  First, at this stage let’s try stepping it up a notch and dating someone with a car, shall we?  And second, what are we 19?  Who still does the walk of shame???
2. It comes with a pen.  If you are stranded at some boy’s house and you had the good sense to  bring along your walk of shame kit (which by the way, implies you KNEW you were going home with someone and since you clearly don’t already have these things at his house, that makes you a premeditated slut, there I said it) WHY WOULD YOU NEED A PEN???  To write down their number?  Hello, we have cell phones! Again, what are we 19?
3. I totally know someone who I need to buy this for.

I’m still evaluating what this means about the current state of my life…

“No shit, you guys got Coke here.”

“Why should I listen to you??? You’re a virgin, who can’t drive.”

So dear Tai, RIP, I hope you are up in heaven rolling with the homies. (but you have to say it while moving your hands in a wave motion and singing to a totally different tune then the actual song.)

Not sure exactly who dropped the ball on this one but as a Jew and woman, I’m thinking double whammy and I’m out.  Jews and Muslims? you can wait by the door.  Women? are you barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? fine. oh, you’re independent, self sufficient and highly indignant? hmmm this might not work out too well…

But in true waspy fashion dinner will consist of gin and vodka, no food, and if all goes well the inappropriate partner will make a pass at his assistant in front of the whole office, causing much entertainment.  The secret gossipy partner will wander around trying to figure out who in the office is hooking up with whom.  The lush partner will figure out a way to buy unnecessarily expensive bottles of champagne, and the grumpy partner will be… well, grumpy.

Maybe the true meaning of Christmas is having the opportunity to make fun of the people around you and the wisdom to know that they are making fun of you as well.

I am not an onion.

In fact, I like to pretend or at least appear as though I have no feelings at all.  I am more like a nut.  I have an incredibly hard shell that is very hard to crack but I’m all gooey on the inside.  On second thought, that’s not a nut at all.  It’s…  It’s more like  bronze plated Cadbury Cream Egg.

I am a bronze plated Cadbury Cream Egg.

(Which by the way, did you know they sell those things all year long now.  It could be the middle of winter and all you need to do is go to your local CVS and have your own mini spring time easter egg parade.)

In addition to pretending to have no feelings, I am also the most cynical person I know.  And frankly this combination has been working for me for quite some time now.  I am the kind of girl that when they get out of a relationship, they cut all ties and they never look back.  No regrets, no brooding, no moping, good riddance to bad rubbish and move on.

It is with this is mind that I am very sad to report that I am unequivocally not over my exboyfriend.  In fact, I have now spent the last few days attempting to work out scenarios in my head where we could get back together.

Proof: On my way home from the airport last night Boyz II Men came on the radio and I thought of him.  BOYS II MEN!!!!!  I am the most cynical person on earth and the cheesiest song on earth came on the radio and I thought of him.

Blaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

In case you missed it, that was me vomiting all over myself.

So now I’m stuck with this impossible situation where I know we can’t get back together (logic says that if we could we would have made it work one of the previous 7000 times we broke up and got back together) but knowing that we are a really great match.

Life would be so much easier if I could actually have no feelings and not just pretend.

Stupid effing feelings