I now pronounce you apartment and wife

We have a wife!

My roommate and I now have a wife.

See this all started when I wondered how my coworkers have fully functioning households given our travel schedules and long hours.  And silly me, I realized it was because they all have wives.  They have someone to put the trash out on trash day even if that’s a travel day.  They have someone to do their laundry and go to the dry cleaners.  They have someone to do all those little normal things that we do without thinking that keeps our households running and allows us to be fully functioning people.  They have wives.  And now so do I

I was complaining to my roommate about my need for a wife, and she was saying that she too needed a wife and we figured out how to solve our problem.  Get a house cleaner.  That’s right, for 80 bucks every two weeks, you too can have a wife.

Problem solved and now I’m never going back

 

Tis the season to be thankful

It’s thanksgiving in new york city.  The xmas lights are up, the weather is crisp, i have a lovely apartment to stay in by myself (well maybe with my sister) and friends are near.  I’m not exactly sure what it says about your life when you are genuinely excited for a little alone time in a foreign apt in a city you no longer live in…. Note to self, make life less sad

A few years ago my family did this thing at Thanksgiving where all 25 of us went around the table and said what we were thankful for this year and couldn’t be any sappy crap like “my friends and my family.”  Health was not an option, good will toward man wouldn’t do, none of that, we wanted entertainment.  I guess it was longer ago than i had thought because I was in college at the time and I remember that I said “my $30,000 a year education” and everyone laughed.

Which has got me thinking, what am I thankful for this year?

I am thankful for my paycheck.  I realize that makes me a heartless mba, but i am.  Last year this time I was unemployed and trying to figure out how to live in NYC with no income. (which by the way would have been impossible if not for trader joe’s and their 2.50 rice bowls.)  This year I just bought myself a fantastic purple leather arm chair.  Apparently all those months of poverty did nothing for my need for responsible spending.  And frankly if more Americans were just as reckless, we would be out of the recession by now.  So really I did it for the economy.  You’re welcome America.

I am thankful for my single status (I totally say this while rolling my eyes and grumbling to myself).  I am getting more familiar with the wild world of adult dating.  Which it turns out, is almost nothing like dating in college or grad school.  See it’s this weird phenomenon where men call you, they pick the destination of the date, the take you there, they pay, they hold the door for you, they walk you home, and get this, they call a few days later to say they had a nice time and would like to do it again.  I know, right, this really happens?????  I am living proof, it does.  So men and grad school and college, you can keep your pick up lines at keg parties, I’m an adult now, the bar has been raised, it’s time to step up!

Nap Work Love?

So I recently started reading Eat Pray Love, which for those of you who haven’t read it, so far is about a woman who is getting over a divorce and traveling around the world.

Since I also am in the process of getting over a relationship, i figured it was a perfect book to read. Cue female empowerment montage set to the tune of Ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough.

So anyway, I start reading this book and sure enough I think it might be written by me.  In the first chapter there is this line where she is sobbing on the bathroom floor and she starts to pray.  And then she writes, ” And I prayed, like to God.” That’s exactly how I would say that.  So now I get to read this book which very well be how I would write a book about getting over a divorce.  Maybe it’s some alternate version of life where you can see what your life would have been life if you got to be a famous writer.

But the book has got me thinking.  If I had to name a book about the 3 most recent stages of my life, what would they be?  Well first, Nap.  For sure, no questions asked.  For those of you that read this blog in my unemployed days, napping is a favorite past time of mine.  I used to wake up, sit on my beautiful green couch in my pajamas, apply for jobs, think of going to the gym, and then nap.  Every day included a nap, and truth be told I think i was better for it.   Well, on second thought maybe “better” isn’t the right word, let’s go with more rested.

Second, work.  I have unequivocally worked my ass off for the last 6 months.  I work hard, i travel all the time and truthfully it no longer phases me.  Oh it’s tuesday?  Then I must be in New Jersey.  Thursday?  Definitely Boston.

Third, now this is the tricky one.  Maybe third is love.  I’m waiting to have this moment where the fountain erupts behind me, the lights go on, and I say aloud to my self, “Oh my god, I love Josh.  I’m totally crazy in love with Josh.”  Or whatever his name may be.  Now I realize this is a little harsh since I was in a relationship with a great guy.  And he was great, and still is, but he’s not for me.  So now I need to find my Josh.

I wonder where I’m going to find my Josh.  Because if my current life is any indication, it might be in the Newark airport.  Or maybe in east bum New Jersey at the client site? Note to self, must start to frequent decent places during time in Boston so I don’t die alone.  To die alone would truly be a tragedy and I’m pretty sure that when I get to be that age it’s going to take two people to finish a bottle of wine and having to handle that all myself would just be a waste of perfectly good grapes.  So let’s do it for the grapes, may they never be lonely.

Riddle me this

What do you get when you buy a pack of 6 york peppermint patties, eat 5, lose 1, all while riding on a plane cruising at 17,000 feet in the air?

Give up?

You get a computer with a squished peppermint patty all over it!

Now i can smell minty chocolate goodness all the time!

(oops, sorry work)

 

and stuff

I was just looking at a guy’s job description on a dating website and he described his profession as “research and writing stuff.”  Really? You’re a writer and you described your job as “writing stuff”??? Really????  Dude….. don’t quit your day job

Today I am a fountain pen

Status Update: Gym: $21/visit.  Not amazing, but a vast improvement

Today I am officially single.  In the spirit of reviving my blog because I was happier when I just got it all out there, I’ve decided to publicly state my new found single status.

I’m hoping to have something witty or clever to add later, but for now this is all i got.

Capt Tomato and the hoodlum take Atlantis

Status update: no idea, seriously I have no idea how many times this month i’ve been to the gym, a few i think.  No idea what else i’m supposed to track, it’s kind of liberating actually.  Here’s what i do know, i brought gym clothes to work today and my boss is at the client.  Gym clothes + no boss = happy (and in shape) (and potentially thin) AIB

My sister and I went to the Bahamas.   It probably would have made more sense for me to blog this all along, but I didn’t so I think i’m just going to summarize and not bore you all with the details.

For us this was a pretty standard beach vacation.  Before you start hating that we have “standard” beach vacations, actually i take that back, hate away, we have “standard” beach vacations.  So anyway, after a few days of lying out, reading books, doing crossword puzzles (more accurately attempting crossword puzzles – despite her title, my sister is the smartest person I know.  I swear the whole trip the only clue that I got and she didn’t was 5 letter word “Princess of Power”.  SHE-RA! duh! So in essence the only useful knowledge I have has to do with 80’s saturday morning cartoons.  Sometimes it amazes me how much my brain costs when you look at the only things it’s good for.)

But I digress, so we we’re doing our normal beach thing.  Tan, sweat, swim, nap, tan, sweat, swim, nap, grumbling at each other when we get hungry, fight over restaurants, tan, sweat, swim, nap.  Truth be told, the weather wasn’t amazing, so by the end of the trip it was more like, try to tan, nap, nap, read, nap, eat.  Which was fine by me, I went on this trip to relax, and sometimes endless napping is my idea of a good time.

But as the end of the vacation was nearing, we decided we had to venture to see Atlantis.  What could be so amazing that it is worth spending $500/day on food.  I mean a beach is a beach right?

Wrong, a beach is not a beach.  Atlantis is the tropical vacation of your childhood dreams.  Or more accurately, the tropical vacation of my dreams.

We start the evening in asian fusion restaurant in our hotel, it’s shocking how often these resorts have an asian fusion restaurant and not a simply fish place, but I guess American tourists prefer asian fusion.  Go figure.   We smartly accompany our random asian food (no real ethnicity there, just random asian) with a nice bottle of wine.  It’s amazing how much funnier and easy going life is with 1/2 a bottle of wine.  The hoodlum and I have been known to tear each other’s heads off at times and it turns out a nice bottle of not too dry white is our secret elixir.   Ooooh elixir, that would be a good crossword word.

So anyway, we finish dinner, and our wine and head over to the magical lost city.  As we’re here just to explore we wander.  We stumble upon the casino (their casino, unlike ours, is not filled with smoke and does not remind you of a 80 year old chain smoking grandmother – geez mom, I said A grandmother, not my grandmother)

So we find nobu and a bobby flay restaurant, I figure if you are not going to eat anything local and spend $500/day on food you might as well be dining on nobu every night.  We continue on wandering until we find an aquarium in the middle of the lobby.  Yes, that’s right, I said aquarium in th middle of the lobby.  Not a fish tank, not even a big fish tank, a full blown aquarium.  The kind you can walk under and all around and take goofy pictures of yourself with eels and pick up a starfish and walk next to a ray, a real freaking aquarium with a maze to boot.

Ooooh I just realized that by this part in the trip, i was sunburnt so I really was capt tomato!  ha i’m so clever.

Anyway, back to the story, so we continue to wander like children in… Atlantis… like the Disney version and find ourselves a bar.  We order these magical drinks that are basically an extra strong pina colada topped with a strawberry daiquiri.  I have no idea what the drink was called, but we can rename is deliciousness-doesn’t taste at all like alcoholness.  So then we continue to wander admiring the yachts (and by yachts we mean mini cruise ships, big honking freaking boats) and finally realize that we are both smashed, sitting on a bench, opposite a jewelry store, making fun of almost everyone who walks by.

And then, we looked at each other and uttered the phrase you can only say to your sister on vacation.  ”I’m drunk, let’s go home and go to bed, I mean I’ll go clubbing if you want to, oh you want to go to bed too? thank god”

So we got in a cab, who happened to be playing Frank Sinatra VERY loudly, sang our heads off and passed out shortly there after.

One day, when either we are rich and famous and no longer care about money, or we have duped someone into taking us on a vacation to Atlantis, we will return to this wonderful magical place where the drinks taste like yumminess and you get to eat Nobu every meal of the day….

One day, until then, capt tomato and the hoodlum continue their adventures…

Advertures in recruiting

Status: gym membership: $43/visit, alcohol: zero, i think that’s all i track these days

The MBA recruiting season has kicked off and as the only female MBA at my consulting firm, so has the whirlwind of recruiting events I need to attend.

Being on the other side of the table is funny.  There is a such a fine line with attention grabbing, it’s either seen as positive or just plain old annoying.  It makes me wonder how I was perceived when I was in business school.  I mean people who just ask questions for the sake of asking questions are so transparent.  i kinda want some popcorn right now, the low fat kettle corn type.  mmm.. wait what was i talking about again??  sorry short attention span

Is it possible that head injuries make you crave popcorn?  A window just fell on my head and now i’m all worried that I might have a concussion so i’m sitting on my couch balancing an open bag of frozen peas on my head while I ponder the art of question asking.  I called my dad to see if I should go to the emergency room and he asked if I was nauseous, which I wasn’t until he asked but i’ve kinda been nauseous since.  I have really good posture, I’m totally balancing this open bag of peas, i knew all those years of dancing would eventually be good for something.  good posture and creating a fear of unitards.  Typing out unitards kinda looks like I don’t know how to spell retard.  hmm…

Ok forget recruiting, in short, i really don’t care but best of luck to you MBA’s out there and if you want to impress me, don’t ask stupid questions for the sake of asking stupid questions.  I’m going to try to not die from a potentially hypochondriac brain injury

what i learned in ny

Status: I WENT TO THE GYM TODAY!!!!!

I realized while I was standing on the platform waiting to take the T home from work that there are a few key things that I learned while living in New York City.

1. I can spot a mouse moving out of the corner of my eye, no matter how far away or how briefly
2. I’m actually happier when I’m working out
3. I absolutely adore my friends
4. It is possible to live off of all Trader Joe’s frozen food.  In fact after sometime you start to think fresh food tastes just a little bit off
5. It really is only acceptable to substitute tights for pants in nyc.  In other cities, people notice that you forgot to put pants on
6. I don’t care if my mani/pedi place is a cocaine front, I want a mani/pedi for $15 period.  What you do with your oddly long pinky finger nail is your business
7. Being employed totally sucks, except, well… for the alternative

Blog part deux – I’m back and on a mission – dun dun dun…

Status Update: Gym membership $85/visit, Alcohol 2 glasses of wine – but NOT hungover!  Let’s call that a successful Thursday evening

It’s been a few months since I last wrote and I’ve decided I need to revive my blog.  Not just because the pantless world needs me.  Not just because it keeps me honest about my workout schedule (or lack there of).  Not just because I legitimately forgot the url to my blog this morning when i went to log in and had to actually google myself.  (Thank goodness I spent all those months building effective SEO).  But because, to quote a friend, I was more “at peace” with myself and my life when I kept nothing inside and shared every thought with the world.

Dear World, I missed you too, and I promise not to abandon you again, unless my ADD kicks in and I get distracted again…

This past weekend I went to see Julie and Julia, which for those who haven’t seen it, is a wonderful chick flick.  But it got me thinking, maybe my blog/life (sometimes it’s hard to tell which is which) needs a purpose.  And I’m not talking about the ’sit on a rock in Tibet and do yoga until you discover the meaning to life’ kind of purpose.  (the answer is 42 btw)  I mean more the work your way through a cookbook kind of purpose.  Or run a triathalon.  Or do something.

I wonder if shopping counts as something.  It’s something I haven’t done in a while and frankly fixing my wardrobe would be a project.  But what kind of lame person am I if my mission and purpose is buying new clothes.  Let’s just tatoo JAP on my forehead and call it a day.  Ok no shopping, but that is definitely going to be my side project…

Let’s use this beautiful Friday to brainstorm all the things I can do with myself to give my life purpose.  And by let’s I mean, why don’t I focus my energies on this for a few hours since I’ve essentially destroyed my readership and have no one to talk to anymore.

Single tear….   oooooh project!!!